Waiting

Waiting for a sense of normalcy or belonging. Staring out a window, thinking that the life you should be living is out there somewhere, but not willing to open the window and go get it. Fear of being judged may make you feel as if the world is looking at you, but in reality, you're only staring back at your reflection in the window. Light creeps through the frame, claiming territory and questioning the space. Structures assembled for home and privacy are broken down and disassembled. They intertwine and push against the surface. Shadows are cast and instantly disconnect, appearing where they don't belong.

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Shadows obscure the architecture. Our surroundings stimulate the mind, producing narratives that explore the passage of time, the impermanence of existence, and detachment from reality. There is sense of continuity in a relationship, even with a house, but then something causes a disconnection. One yearns to be part of the "real" world, the ordinary world, but there seems to be an obstacle hindering the connection. You cannot hear anything, and the external world becomes vividly lit while the internal world grows dim. Invading daylight intrudes upon one's personal space. Events that have happened or will happen already exist, revealing this interior space as the moment between changes. This moment is necessary to transform and develop a sense of self based on one's own approval rather than validation from others. 

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How do we experience the world around us? Some may rely more on their hearing or their sight. It takes discipline to adjust and balance the senses. It is about staying committed to this journey of understanding ourselves and our place in the world. To deal with external feelings or moods, you identify them as an object that can be transformed into a fiction, just like a film. By fictionalizing our feelings, we gain a psychological distance. We can see our emotions as objects we can manipulate. It's like actors performing certain traits, trying to fit into a certain mode, in a black-and-white or silent film where the colors are reduced and much of the information is stripped away.

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In the film, Carnival of Souls, the female protagonist navigates through a space that flickers between reality and the otherworldly. The plot of the movie is a dream-within-a-dream or a nightmare-within-a-nightmare. She's followed by the shadowy specter of a man. Distraught, she meets a psychologist, who takes her to his office. Standing in front of a window with the blinds drawn, she tells the doctor "It was more than just not being able to hear anything or make contact with anyone. It was as though...as though for a time I didn't exist. As though I had no place in the world, that's what it is. Something separates me from other people. Everywhere I turn, there's something blocking my escape."

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